the soko.com

Trust me, I know of what I speak. My expertise in this area stems from several years of performing as a “Professional Musician” during which I dated and/or hooked up with at least a half dozen lead singers, a few guitar players, a drummer and a bass player or two. Not to mention, a plethora of poets and my fair share of groupies.

So let me outline the reasons musicians make bad significant others as I attempt to convince you to look elsewhere for love. I, myself, am guilty of several of the below offenses. The only reason I’m managing to maintain a steady, healthy relationship at the moment is because I haven’t played a gig in over a year.

Oh So Sensitive

By our very nature, we musicians are overly sensitive. The adjective has been applied to me on many occasions. This is a problem if you expect to be able to have a reasonable conversation about anything that could possibly inflame our passions. This is an especially prevalent problem with songwriters. Because we feel it necessarily to pour our souls into our songs for a living, our abundant emotion inevitably overflows into our personal lives as well. So don’t even think about telling us our carefully chosen stage outfit doesn’t do us justice. Chances are, we’ll take it the wrong way and insist on changing.

Mirror, Mirror, On The Wall

Musicians are infamously narcissistic. Even a little bit of fame and recognition can go to our heads and make us start thinking a little too highly of ourselves. We expect our significant other to be the one to shake us back to our senses when our egos take over. Unfortunately for you, this process can be exhausting and incredibly frustrating. Eventually, your partner’s big head might be a little too much to take on a daily basis.

On the Road Again

If you’re going to be a musician of any repute, you’ll be required to tour at some point or another. In the age of downloadable music, CD sales aren’t doing it for us anymore, so we have to make our living on the road. The obvious downside to this when it comes to relationships are the long periods of time we have to spend away from our significant other. So unless you have absolutely nothing better to do but follow your musician boyfriend/girlfriend around the country, get ready for a whole bunch of alone time.

Tour Hazards

So you’ve accepted that touring will keep your musical sweetie away from you for long stretches. That’s okay, you’ve got plenty to keep you busy right? Before you start celebrating your confident independence, consider what your significant other might be getting up to while he or she is out on the road. There are many temptations on tour including hard partying, drinking, drugs and, of course, groupies. Unfortunately for you, the lifestyle lends itself to these kinds of excesses and they are awfully hard to resist when constantly offered. Do you know for sure that your partner won’t be partaking in any dangerous substances or activities when you’re not looking?

Your Life In Song

At first it might seem really flattering and sweet that the musician in your life writes about you in song. Who doesn’t want a serenade written especially for them? The trouble comes when the songwriter has trouble separating private life from stage life. Soon enough, all of your intimate moments end up exposed in music for the entire world to hear. Oh, and don’t even think about getting into a dramatic quarrel with your lover…unless you want the audience to hear about it too.

Empty Pockets

You had to guess this one was coming. A friend once asked me, “What’s the difference between a musician and a mutual fund?” The answer, “A mutual fund eventually matures and makes money.” Yes, unless your love is Britney Spears (in which case you have a whole set of problems this list doesn’t begin to cover), you’re probably not going to be seeing too many extravagant nights out or expensive presents. You may be able to live without those luxuries, but when your broke guitarist boyfriend shows up on your doorstep because he’s been evicted (again), a quiet, boring accountant might start to look pretty good to you.

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when the music’s over

Of course, this article is written with tongue planted firmly in cheek. Some of my very best friends have been musicians and even the ones I dated obviously had their good points. So this is just a disclaimer for those hoping to find relationships free of drama (as if those exist with anyone). If you don’t want the roller coaster of a musician’s life, try looking for a nice, polite philosophy student. It worked for me!